having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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