phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
