farters have to be the big spoon...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
