There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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