she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
