There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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