i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
