Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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