he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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