Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
