I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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