I wish I could teleport
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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