I feel great
I just peed on a car
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
