i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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