trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
