I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
