You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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