we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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