I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We smell like vodka and hangover
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