He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
