I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
