Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
