Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
