Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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