ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
