I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Someone signed my nipple.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
