I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
