two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
