i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What drink are we having for lunch?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
