We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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