just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
