i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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