my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
soo... how was my night?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
