allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
