I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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