dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
