if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
