Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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