somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
