his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
