my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Congratulations! We have a period
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