Are we in a gay sports bar?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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