if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
