Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
