and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
