I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize