I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
