I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
