I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
