girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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