Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my shit smells like andre
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
