I just threw up on my dentist
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
