The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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