So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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