Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize