how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I deserve this hangover.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
