It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
do nipples grow back?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
