Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
