and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
