I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Im part way to drunk.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
